Still alive....barely....

This semester is almost over and I am still alive...for the most part....

I just discovered the song Take it All by Adele....and of course when I find a new song I like I listen to it over and over and over again.....it reminded me how I felt the day i filed for divorce...before I found out everything else I found out....it is still painful.....when I have too much time by myself my mind turns to good memories and then I hurt all over again....i wish he would have taken it all...especially the memories....I never loved some one so completely and deeply and then it was destroyed....sometimes the pain is so much it feels like I am suffocating...like someone is smothering me with a pillow although i think the pillow would be better because then it be over and done with instead of repeating itself over and over and over again.....

I am grateful for my friends and family who have been there for me....especially the boy in my life who has been a sturdy shoulder for me to lean on...he is truly amazing....I just wish the pain would go away.....i feel so drained and disconnected because of it.....

He was my life....and now he's gone....and sometimes I feel like I am just waiting for him to come back...like he will walk through the door any second and my life will go back to normal....i know I don't actually want that...but i just feel so lost....i don't know what to do with myself anymore...if it weren't for my friends, family and boy who have been there for me their worst fears probably would have been a reality because I feel like my life has no purpose anymore.....I feel vulnerable writing things like this online but in some twisted way it helps me.....

Don't make the same mistakes I made....