Trapeze photo Shoot with Marisol Pazmino

Update and 'Paris' by Grace Potter and the Nocturnals

 

So it has been quite the year....Maybe I will upload photo's to summarize...maybe I won't...we shall see....

In summary...Christmas 2011...went to New york to visit sister...took some aerial classes at Trapeze school NYC (silks and acrobatics)..took a side trip to North Carolina to meet Robby's dad and step mom....then went back to NYC to see Wicked and celebrate new years with Geraldine...

Started off my 2012 year with 27 credit hours....personal training....dance training...marathon training...trying to lose weight and prepare a piece for the rape recovery foundation fundraiser...needless to say by Feb. I fell apart...Shingles....sprained the fingers on my left hand from falling off the trapeze, fell of a chair and severely bruised my abdomen and caused nerve damage in my foot....I was out of commission for a while...

I started to make a comeback after the semester ended in May...I went and sought help from a Homeopathic specialist and have been working on a lot of things through him......including allergies....I stopped craving sugar for awhile...in the process I started training...and I started eating better...I ran the dirty dash in June with Geraldine...

summer 2012 I taught about 15 credit hours...kind of stressful for a summer but not the same as the spring term....

This summer I went to the Bahamas on a cruise for my birthday with Robby...then I went on a circus trip with my friends from the studio where we took classes in Vegas (Shine Alternative Fitness) and California (Cirque School LA) with Alan Silva, Suwasit and a variety of amazing people in California (trapeze, hoop, contortion, and handbalancing)...visited my grandma...saw my first Cirque Du Soleil show- Zumanity...and was completely humbled in California which made me want to push myself more and work harder to be stronger and more fit....

I came back...competed in the aerial competition in trapeze and tied for first place but was awarded second place as well as powerhouse award....in the mean time another semester of school started...this time only 16 credit hours....

Robby and I went and visited my sister in NYC over labor day weekend and I got to see my second cirque Du Soleil show- Zarkana....My third was Quidam which I got to see in SLC with a groupon no less...

I was offered a teaching position in trapeze at the studio that I have been living at....performed in a group pole performance with girls from the studio for Halloween....Ran Tough Mudder...Ran the Spooky Halloween Nursing 5 k....auditioned for an aerial dance company called Aerial Amore and made it...and am getting ready to perform my first silks piece- a duet to the song 'Turn to Stone' at Onyx; a trapeze solo to 'The Swell Season' at the women's expo and Sugarspace; and a hoop solo to 'Bella's Lullaby' at the Murray theater...it is going to be a busy couple of weekends....

Thanksgiving was spent in CA with my grandma and Robby...it was awesome and relaxing...on the way back I took a silks private in Vegas from Michael Lipari...he apparently is kind of a big deal...wish I would have done my research before I went...sad day :(....The semester is coming to a close....I will be visiting my family in Missouri this year and taking classes at the aerial studio out there- Bumbershoot Aerial Arts (silks, hoop and trapeze)....I am so completely addicted....

This year I have lost weight....I know this because my clothes are loose...my skinny clothes are loose...I think I am somewhere between a 2 and a 6 right now....and by body fat percentage was around 22 last time I checked...which was a while ago...I have accomplished a lot of aerial and teaching goals this year...with more to go....need to get more flexible....and stronger...and have a higher pain tolerance for certain moves....

This year has been a good year.

Still alive....barely....

This semester is almost over and I am still alive...for the most part....

I just discovered the song Take it All by Adele....and of course when I find a new song I like I listen to it over and over and over again.....it reminded me how I felt the day i filed for divorce...before I found out everything else I found out....it is still painful.....when I have too much time by myself my mind turns to good memories and then I hurt all over again....i wish he would have taken it all...especially the memories....I never loved some one so completely and deeply and then it was destroyed....sometimes the pain is so much it feels like I am suffocating...like someone is smothering me with a pillow although i think the pillow would be better because then it be over and done with instead of repeating itself over and over and over again.....

I am grateful for my friends and family who have been there for me....especially the boy in my life who has been a sturdy shoulder for me to lean on...he is truly amazing....I just wish the pain would go away.....i feel so drained and disconnected because of it.....

He was my life....and now he's gone....and sometimes I feel like I am just waiting for him to come back...like he will walk through the door any second and my life will go back to normal....i know I don't actually want that...but i just feel so lost....i don't know what to do with myself anymore...if it weren't for my friends, family and boy who have been there for me their worst fears probably would have been a reality because I feel like my life has no purpose anymore.....I feel vulnerable writing things like this online but in some twisted way it helps me.....

Don't make the same mistakes I made....

My solo.....

Finally have it choreographed!!! It is a little rough in patches but here ya go!!!

I dedicate this to Kimmie and Hallie.

Half way!

This semester is half way over!!!! Oh wow. It is chaotic but i am loving it.

My chem 1010 students just took their second exam and are getting ready for their third on Nov 1....

My chem 1110 students have their 2nd exam next week....

My organic students also have their second exam next week....chaos....really

And fall break doesn't really happen for me.....the three universities couldn't seem to correspond their fall break to to the same week...sad day...oh well...

I am so busy.....I have like no down time unless I am driving from one school or another, but that tends to be a good thing as it seems if I have to spend more than 4 hours with myself alone I cry because I think about things that make me cry.

Running....not really happening...neither is eating healthy....but hopefully soon I will have a microwave and then be able to eat real food....i know so sad....I don't cook for myself....because then I have too much food left over that doesn't ever get eaten.....i should probably stop buying food because it just goes bad anyway...I pretty much live off of protein bars and candy unless someone else is feeding me....I have poured my nurturing side into my students so I am constantly baking for them....and I have 7 classes....4 of which are having exams all the time.....I am baking a lot.

Things I have gotten up to lately....went to Oktoberfest again...it was gorgeous up at snowbird with all the snow.....had a game night at my house a few weeks ago and it was a blast....it was so much so that my neighbors below came upstairs to tell us to keep it down....haha.....woops....went to the U of U ballet showcase last weekend and that was a surprising treat....i have been struggling with a lot of headaches lately though...and that is no bueno....

This Friday is THE day...the BIG day. The day my divorce is final. I know it is kind of a shock to a lot of you that I am even getting divorced...I am still in shock half the time...but I know it is for the best. Never in a million years would I have imagined myself in this position. sometimes I feel the pain of missing pieces of myself...or the bitterness of what I had to go through...or the anger and resentment of my whole life and "why me?"....but I guess that is life....and because of this I have had to seek help and really work on fixing my own issues so that hopefully one day i can have a healthy, happy relationship with an equal and maybe...just maybe...want to have kids with that person....Anyways...I am planning on going to dance...going running.....going to counseling.....then going to dinner with all the ladies who are available who have been helping me get through this...and then hopefully the haunted circus....and maybe dancing....although I haven't been in the mood to go out dancing much as of late....just want to be left alone really and I dance so much during the week that I am kind of not in the mood to go dance more.....



Anyways.....

songs i have been digging lately.

someone like you

I found a boy

chasing pavement

make you feel my love

Try sleeping with a broken heart

Turning Tables

Loving this song right now.

"Turning Tables"

Close enough to start a war
All that I have is on the floor
God only knows what we're fighting for
All that I say, you always say more

I can't keep up with your turning tables
Under your thumb I can't breathe

So, I won't let you close enough to hurt me
No, I won't rescue you to just desert me
I can't give you the heart you think you gave me
It's time to say goodbye to turning tables
To turning tables

Under haunted skies I see you
Where love is lost your ghost is found
I braved a hundred storms to leave you
As hard as you try, no, I will never be knocked down

I can't keep up with your turning tables
Under your thumb I can't breathe

So, I won't let you close enough to hurt me,
No, I won't rescue you to just desert me
I can't give you the heart you think you gave me
It's time to say goodbye to turning tables
To turning tables

Next time I'll be braver
I'll be my own savior
When the thunder calls for me
Next time I'll be braver
I'll be my own savior
Standing on my own two feet

I won't let you close enough to hurt me,
No, I won't rescue you to just desert me
I can't give you the heart you think you gave me
It's time to say goodbye to turning tables
To turning tables
Turning tables, yeah
Turning, oh

Dance.

so I got asked to perform a dance solo at Pearl....for Friday Oct 21st in the evening....

I have decided on Sally's Song by Amy Lee....it will be beautiful....now if i could only find time to practice......I am dedicating it to Kimmie and Hallie :)

I will also be performing a belly dance to hopefully Ghetto rock by Mos def (instrumental)

...and a black light dance to Vampire song

Snoopy dance time.

Pumped up kicks makes me wanna do a snoopy dance.

I feel so.....cultured.

The last three weekends my girlfriends have kept me busy.....

this past weekend was the Utah state fair....

The weekend before that was the Greek Festival....

The weekend before that Oktoberfest....

this weekend.....home made mac and cheese and drinks at my house and then out dancing with the girls...Saturday is a bachlorette party....maybe...

So busy.

This is between teaching 24 credits....at 4 different schools...driving back and forth all over Utah....going to dance as much as possible...which by the way I am performing three dances at Pearl on Friday the 21st if anyone is interested.....running....sigh....

Taylor Swift. i like you.

"Should've Said no"

It's strange to think the songs we used to sing
The smiles, the flowers, everything: is gone
Yesterday I found out about you
Even now just looking at you: feels wrong
You say that you'd take it all back, given one chance
It was a moment of weakness and you said yes...

[Chorus:]

You should've said no, you should've gone home
You should've thought twice before you let it all go
You should've know that word, bout what you did with her
Would get back to me...
And I should've been there, in the back of your mind
I shouldn't be asking myself why
You shouldn't be begging for forgiveness at my feet...
You should've said no, baby and you might still have me

You can see that I've been crying
And baby you know all the right things: to say
But do you honestly expect me to believe
We could ever be the same...
You say that the past is the past, you need one chance
It was a moment of weakness and you said yes...

[Repeat Chorus]

I can't resist... before you go, tell me this
Was it worth it...
Was she worth this...

No... no no no...

[Repeat Chorus]